Bella and Embry
by undeniably awkward
Summary: Edward left Bella in NM. So she cuts does drugs,drinks, and much more... WARNING: RAPE,CUTTING,LANGUAGE,SEX,DRUGS and more... Might not sound good but please try it. I worked hard on it!
1. Chapter 1

I am about to graduate from high school. Big deal. At least, according to Charlie and everyone else around me, it is. I don't really care though. What good are "huge" accomplishments if your life has no meaning anyhow? The only thing that gets me out of bed every day, besides the obvious of pretending to be alright for everyone else's sake, is my song writing. Nothing works as a muse like being rejected, abandoned, and tricked into giving everything to someone. Yeah, I hate him. Wait, no, that is not the right sentiment. It is something more along the lines of despise. Sadly, though, no matter how much I despise him, I also still love him. I will always love him. I am battered and broken, and I will never recover. I was ready to give up everything to be with him, and he didn't want me. He lured me into his little fantasy world, used me, then spat me out and walked away. He took his whole family with him. He took my family with him. My adopted mother and father, my crazy brothers, my sister who I knew did not entirely like me but was my sister none the less, and my best friend. I really do miss Alice... sometimes I think I miss her more than the jerk. Sometimes. Then again, she left me too. Even if it was his reasons, she still left. I really don't understand why they did this to me. Why would they trick me like that? I didn't do anything, besides move to this God-forsaken town to try to make my mother's life better. He should have killed me and had my precious blood all those times he had the chance. He should have let Tyler's van smash me. But he kept me alive so he could toy with me, to entertain him, to be one of his precious distractions. I will never forgive him for this. He has destroyed me; taken everything from me; he has murdered me. All this I keep inside. I hang out with a few "close" friends, and do all the right things for Charlie so he thinks that I am recovered. We don't talk about what happened immediately after. I know I hurt Charlie with my behavior, or lack there of. I am still trying to gain back all the weight I lost, but I doubt it will ever all come back. I am going to be moving into Seattle in a few weeks, in anticipation of 'attending college.' Angela convinced me to move into an apartment with her while she attends college there. I don't see the point in going, though Charlie thinks I am. Angela doesn't understand what is going on, but she still acts like I am going to college too. Really, I am just trying to get out of here. Charlie tried to send me to live with Renee, but I refused. At the time, I couldn't let myself leave. I had to be here, to know that he existed. Now, I just want out of here. I can't even look Charlie in the eye anymore, Jessica and Lauren get their laughs at my pitiful expense, and Jacob is still convinced that we will end up together. I can't stand to be here anymore. I can barely deal with the pain anymore. I need a new outlet for it.

I figured out that I had a knack for writing music 2 months ago. Sure, I suffer for it every night, but oh well. It is the only thing that helps me get through the day, besides the cutting. I have a few on my arms, but those are easily ignored given how clumsy I am. My stomach, chest, pelvis, and thighs, on the other hand, are harder to explain. Luckily, it is rarely shorts and tank top weather around here. When it is, I just don't wear them. I am the only one who sees them, so it doesn't matter. Like I said, I am damaged. Jacob is very supportive of my song writing, though he still wonders where it came from. Truthfully, it came when the cutting stopped fully sedating me. In his view, all of a sudden I was a musical prodigy. Jacob and Sam had the guitar skills to accompany me, Embry played the drums, and Quil played the bass. I was a little wary of Sam at first, but eventually, I let my guard down with him. I am sure Jacob talked to him, but he is still haunted by the image of me the night he found me in the woods. The night I was abandoned. I still do not fully understand why that night is so horrible for him, though I think it has to do with Leah. I cannot imagine what any of the pack would do if they knew I cut myself. Sam has his suspicions about my arms, but everyone else brushes it off. I almost got caught last week, when Sam and Jacob made a surprise visit. I was in the bathroom, covering up the cuts, when I heard a knock. I quickly finished and went to get it. They smelled the blood as soon as I opened the door, and were none too happy. I eventually convinced them it was nothing, but they are still wary about it. Most of the pack wanted to come see me graduate, even though I don't really want to go to the ceremony. I am desperate to get out of this hell hole, and trying to pretend to be that happy all day will take its toll on me. I knew I couldn't cut before the ceremony- Sam and Jacob were riding with me and Charlie. I couldn't risk it, so I decided to write instead. I was particularly spiteful and vindictive today; I should be walking across the stage with that asshole, and I should be getting ready to spend my life, nay, change my life, with him. My moods certainly take hold of my songs, though the crowds at the few gigs we have played seemed to have enjoyed the blend. Some are down and depressed, others are all out hateful. Today, I am still here, and will be broken till the day I die. Then the muse started singing to me, and the words flowed freely. Cold (But I'm Still Here) Originally by Evans Blue Hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster Can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back When you hide, hide inside that body But just remember that when I touch you The more you shake, the more you give away

Cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never We're far from comfortable this time Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never We're far from obvious this time Wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all Now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck So fall into my eyes and fall into my lies But don't you forget The more you turn away, the more I want you to stay Cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never We're far from comfortable this time Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never We're far from obvious this time You're so endearing, you're so beautiful, Well I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do But I don't hate like they do Am I ever on your mind? Cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never We're far from comfortable this time Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never We're far from obvious this time Cold, you broke me from the very first night I'd love you 'til the day that I die We're far too comfortable this time Cold, I loved you from the very first night You broke me 'til the day that I die I'm far too obvious this time As soon as I had the lyrics down, I shoved them in my desk and went to take a shower. The tears would fall freely soon, and in the shower, no one could see them. I had to get a hold of myself; Jacob and Sam would be here in less than an hour. I decided to curl my hair for the ceremony and put on some make up. I was slowly changing to the Goth type look, but had to be careful or Charlie would get involved. I put on a dark blue eye shadow and liner and some glitter on my cheeks. Angela and I picked out a new outfit for the ceremony, which would double for gigs. I wore a mid-thigh length red skirt with a black lace overlay with a matching black and red corset-type top. I cinched the strings on the top, drawing attention to my chest. It was subtle, but it was there none the less. The thing I loved the most about the top was I could pull them further, to draw more attention when I wanted to. I also wore my favorite knee high boots, and I changed the laces to red ones to match my outfit. I knew the asshole would never approve of my dressing this way, and so I do it. I can't

Wait until I am living on my own- my full "change" will occur then. I already have my belly button pierced, but I plan to get several more piercing. I also have two tattoos right now- one is on my left butt cheek that is a heart with a paw in the middle. I got that for Jacob- he saved me and helped me out of my dark period after the asshole left me. We aren't dating, and I can't see Jacob that way, but he is my best friend. He is my protector now. He tried to act unsure about going, but I knew he would enjoy it. My other tattoo is in the dead center of my back and is a very ornate looking sun. It was Sam's graduation gift to me. I got this pattern because the sun is the one place I can hide from the asshole. The one defense I will have if he ever decides to show his pitiful face to me again. I despise him, but I am still not over him. He is present in every thought I have, in every action I make. He is still in control of me, and it makes me hate him even more. I have nightmares about him every night; over and over I hear him telling me he doesn't want me anymore, that I am not good enough for him, and that he is a god and I am a weak, insignificant human distraction. Jacob saved me, but I know Sam understands better how I feel. He has really been there for me, sometimes I think more than Jake. Jake is there for me, but that is partly because he wants to be my boyfriend. I am not ready for that, though, nor do I think I ever will be. I have become close with Emily as well; we spend a lot of afternoons together while the pack is off doing rounds. I have a strong support system, and it helps me hide the pain and pretend like things are alright, but I am still just as dead as the day he left. Sam knows this, and sees this. Jacob is able to look past it a lot. The songs help me deal with the pain as well, and are the main reason the band sings them, they know how much it helps me. I have written 8 songs since he left; the one I started today will be number 9. They are all inspired by the asshole, and are all "dedicated" to him: To the 'man' who destroyed me, lied to me, and left me for dead; this is what I have become. One day, I might forget it like he said, but I doubt it. The pain hurts just as strongly as the day he left. I went back into my room to finish getting ready, and soon heard a quiet knock on the door. "Come in," I said, thinking it was Charlie. Sam walked in, holding a beautifully wrapped box. I gave him a questioning look, since he had already given me a gift. "It's from me and Emily, though she picked it out." He said, noticing my look. I opened it to find a recording kit for my computer, which would let me record demos of all our music. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at it instead. It really meant a lot to me that Emily would do this for me; she knew how much I wanted to be able to get more gigs and let people know about us. I wanted my songs to get out there; somehow, I needed them to be heard by others. "Thanks," I said, as the tears started to well up. Sam laughed and gave me a big hug.

"Congratulations, Bells! I know it was hard for you, and I know you don't want to go to the ceremony and all that, but I am proud of you. You deserve to walk across that stage today, and get your recognition. Emily is sorry she couldn't come, but she is visiting some family and finalizing wedding plans today." He told me, a big smile on his face as he talked about the love of his life. It did make me sad that Sam was so devoted to Emily. Sure, he had broken Leah's heart, but now they had each other and were undeniably happy. It was a happiness I don't think I will ever have again. I smiled at him and hugged him tighter, and went to my closet to get my cap and gown. "Bells, it's time to go! Jake's here and you have to be there in 15 minutes!" Charlie yelled up the stairs. Great, I thought. The good thing about the small school, though, is that the ceremony won't last too long. Sam and I went downstairs, and Charlie took a few pictures before we left. It was a pretty silent car ride; I was thinking up music to go with my lyrics, and Charlie was looking nervous and sad that his only daughter was about to go off on her own. I think Sam and Jake knew I was working on a song; they say I get a certain look about me when I am in music mode. They left me alone as a result. When we got to the school, Charlie dropped us off and went to park. He told me he would find me after the ceremony. Jake and Sam walked with me to the grads area, then gave me hugs again and went to get seats. Everything else passed in a daze; I spent the majority of the ceremony trying to come up with the perfect tune for my lyrics. I ignored most of Jessica's rambling as well; I knew she hated me anyhow for how I acted after he left and for the whole Port Angeles thing; she was only getting caught up in the nostalgia. After the ceremony, Angela, Ben, their families and Charlie, Jake, Sam and I all went into Port Angeles for a celebration dinner. Unknowingly, Ben had suggested the restaurant the asshole and I had eaten at that time he saved me, but Angela quickly saved me. We went to a Mediterranean place instead, which was fantastic. Afterwards, we all went back to Angela's to watch movies and hang out. I ended up falling asleep over there, much to my dismay. This meant people would be around when the dreams came. Sure enough, I woke up screaming, covered in sweat and trembling. Jake immediately picked me up and held me in his arms, letting me shake. I went through this every night, though I usually woke up alone. I could see the apprehension in Ben's eyes; he really was not so sure Angela should move in with me. She gave him a reassuring look and squeezed his shoulder before getting me a wet wash cloth. "It's OK Bells, nothing is going to happen to you. I've got you." Jake whispered in my ear. It didn't help. Something had already happened, and it still haunted me. Luckily, Sam picked up on that fact from the look on my face. I think it reminded him of the night he found me in the woods.

"Umm, Jake, it already did... she relives that night...every night of her life..." Sam slowly told Jake. I could tell it hurt Sam to actually form the words, and I felt Jake's shoulders fall a little. I knew how much I was hurting them, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't get over the asshole, and I grew more hateful of him and his family every day. I saw much needed understanding fill Ben's eyes; everyone thought Edward was just a crush, but Ben was beginning to understand how desperately I loved him. Angela came back with a cold cloth and wiped the sweat off my forehead and gave me some water to drink. "Sorry," I mumbled, as my face started to flush. She just shrugged and smiled. "It's fine, Bella, I promise. And after we move in together, if I have to do this every night, I will. I want to help you. You don't deserve this pain, and I want to try to help you any way I can." I nodded at her and laid my head on Jake's chest, afraid to close my eyes again. Unfortunately, I was exhausted, and fell back asleep pretty quickly. The major dreams did stay away though, with just small glimpses of things poking through. I woke up in the morning, curled in Jake's arms. He was still asleep, so I just snuggled in closer and stayed there. I knew that I shouldn't have stayed like that, it would only lead him on, but I needed him. Sam was right next to us; I knew he was staying there in case I woke up screaming again. I felt horrible for that, but it is what I go through every night. As I lay there in Jake's warm arms, thinking about the nightmares, a tune came to me. It was not what I was looking for for the lyrics I already written, but I knew that I could easily make up lyrics for this one. The music was what usually took me the longest, and given the rough night and the level of detail in the nightmare I had, I knew I could get lyrics quickly. I rehearsed the tune over and over in my head, making sure I didn't forget it. Finally, Jake woke up and I grabbed some paper and wrote down the tune while I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. After spending the morning with Ben and Angela, Sam, Jake and I headed back to Charlie's. Jake had to go do rounds, but Sam said he would stay with me. He knew I was in no condition to be left on my own, so we sat on the couch and watched TV for awhile. I spent time trying to figure out the tune to my song from yesterday, until finally it hit me. I raced upstairs to write it down with the lyrics, Sam following close behind. He waited till I was done, then took it and looked it over. He nodded but wouldn't look me in the eye. "Are these because of last night?" He asked, finally looking at my eyes. "No, I wrote the lyrics yesterday morning, and finally came up with the tune today." I told him. I omitted the part about already starting another song. Unfortunately, he knows me too well.

"Oh. Well, last night was worse than normal I think, so where is the song in reaction to it?" he asked, still with a sad look on his face. I was confused as to how he would know that last night's dreams were worse than the normal ones; they were much more vivid. I decided to answer his questions, then I could ask mine. "I came up with the music first this time, and have only some of the words." I told him. No use in lying anyhow; he would see right through me. He just nodded and hugged me to him. "I hate seeing you like this Bella," he told me as he kissed my hair. "You are like my little sister, and it kills me to see how devastated you are. If I ever see that filthy, bloodsucking leech again, I will make him pay for this," he vowed. I could feel the anger coming off him, but somehow, it comforted me. I nodded in his chest. "Sam, how did you know last night was worse?" I asked, still hugged to his chest. I knew Emily would not mind if Sam and I were like this- she knew he was devoted to her and had nothing to worry about. "Bella..." He started, but seemed unable to find the words to say. Just as the guilt was about to take me over, he started again. "Bells, Jake is really worried about you." "Oh... but why? And that doesn't answer my question." I reminded him. "We are always here for you Bella, and are always patrolling around your house. We hear you screaming at night... I have rarely heard you scream like you did last night, and you always seem to come up with songs or parts of songs whenever you scream like that. And..." he trailed off. I lifted my head to look at him, urging him to continue. "Well, it's just that, there have been times when we have smelled... blood..." He seemed very uneasy as he said this. "Blood?" I asked, trying to sound confused and oblivious. I knew exactly what he was referring to but wouldn't acknowledge it. "Yes, Bella, blood. We can only smell it when it is flowing freely..." I kept my face down, trying to hide my eyes so he would not see the truth in them. I knew that he suspected that I was cutting, but there was no way I would admit it. They would make me stop if I did, and I knew I couldn't stop. Everything I do now is because of the asshole; I cut myself to try to make the pain go away or to at least think of other pain; I dress how I do and get tattoos and am planning to totally change my hair so that if he ever comes back, he hopefully won't recognize me. But how do I tell this to Sam or Jake? Sam took my arm and rubbed his fingers over the scars. He pulled my chin up so I was looking at him, and I could see hurt in his eyes. I tried to turn my head but he wouldn't let me.

"Bella... please... tell me you didn't do these on purpose." I didn't say anything; I knew my voice was give me away if I did. "God, Bella... how long has this been going on for?" I shrugged, too embarrassed to say anything. "When did it start?" He asked again. "Not long after I tried to 'get better' and pretend to be moving on." I stated matter-offactly, finally able to turn my face away from him. He sat very still for a minute before turning my face to him again. "And why all the other drastic changes? The tattoos, the clothes, the plans for after you move?" I sat there for a while before I finally responded. "I hate him, I really do. But at the same time, he is still my whole world. He was my everything; I am not the same Bella anymore. That Bella has been murdered by those filthy, stinking, leeches. They eliminated that Bella when they abandoned her. But if he, or any of them for that fact, were to come back, I don't know how I would respond. If I am this new Bella, though, maybe they won't recognize me. Maybe I will get lucky and never have to see them again. I feel hate more than any other emotion now, besides depression, and it is taking its toll on me. This is who I am now, whether you or any one else likes it or not. If this Bella were to be murdered or seriously injured too, I would cease to exist all together. I just can't survive that again, and I don't want to put myself into that position." The tears started welling up when I talked about the death of the old me, and spilled over by the end. They were tears of sorrow and loss, but also of pure hate; hate that was eating me away bit by bit. Sam didn't say anything else, but just held me until the tears ran dry. Finally, he laid me down in my bed and got up. "Bells, I need to get back to La Push and check on things. Try not to think about all this too much, OK? Just get some sleep right now, then work on packing and take it easy, deal?" I nodded as he covered me up. He headed down the stairs, and I heard him howl as soon as he phased in the woods. I laid there for awhile, thinking about all that we had just talked about, despite what Sam had said. He was my soul, and it is gone. I will never hear his voice in reality again, but inside my head, it drowns out everything else. Inside my head, you are the loudest one I know. What a perfect lyric, I thought. I got up and looked at the tune I had come up with this morning while in Jake's arms until finally a full song had formed on the page in my hand.

Two songs in two days; that is certainly a record for me, and a sign that I am getting too depressed and angry again. Quote (Originally by Evans Blue) Quote, you are my soul unquote Now does that sound familiar? Kiss the girl, and make her feel this way Quote, well this is me unquote You have been so ugly your entire life So why change now? Is this how you want to go down? Right before my eyes You are the saddest sight I know You're quiet, you never make a sound But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know Quote, we never talk unquote And that's when I don't answer Don't you dare ask why Because you don't want to know, Quote, well woe is me unquote How different I've become And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares Is this how you want to go down? Right before my eyes You are the saddest sight I know You're quiet, you never make a sound But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know And you were right, right from the start it took everything you had, but you finally broke my... And now the old things will pass away I saw your light once Did you see mine? But not all things will pass away You turned your light off So I turned mine Away from your sadness Away from the nothing that you feel for me Is this how you want to go down? Right before my eyes you are the saddest sight I know

You're quiet, you never make a sound But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know Quote, hey listen 'cause I'll only say this once I finally found the words That mean enough to me Goodbye my soul, unquote I crawled back in bed, staring at the lyrics, until I finally fell asleep, hopefully to not wake up screaming. Again. All of a sudden, I was pulled out of the horrible nightmare I had been having by a soothing voice and warm arms. "Bells, shh, it's alright. Wake up, honey, you are going to be fine." It was Jacob, but I had no idea where he came from. I let the sobs and shaking subside some before I finally looked at him. I saw the hurt plastered all over his face; I knew how much it hurt him to see me like this. I tried so hard to hide just how much pain I was in from everyone. But wait, why was he here, and seeing me like this? What time is it? "Jake, what are you doing here?" I asked him, a hint of reproach in my voice. "I was patrolling around here, and I heard your sobs and screams. I know you have nightmares, Bells, I hear them. But this time it just seemed so much worse." I could hear the sadness in his voice, but there seemed to be something else there too. Longing? Desire? I couldn't place it. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared straight ahead. I was willing the images of the nightmare away; in it, Edward had taken me to our meadow, slept with me, then told me that he had got what he wanted and didn't love me. He never had loved me, he only wanted me for my body, then he left me all alone in the meadow. That wonderful, glorious... No, I couldn't think of that. I tried to stop the images from flooding my mind, but I couldn't. I began to cry again; the realization that he never loved me and had used me hitting me again. Jacob's arms tightened their hold on me as I tried to stifle the sobs. Not that it mattered; Charlie didn't bother coming up anymore. It didn't matter how much I screamed or cried, he stayed away. I had grown very distant from Charlie, and Renee for that fact, ever since the asshole left me. All I wanted was to move away, be on my own. Break down and grieve when I wanted; act out and fight when I needed to. I couldn't do that here. I knew I would never get over him, and I would always love him and want him, but that really just fueled my anger and resentment towards him. Towards his whole family. Unpracticed or not, I know that the real reason Jasper was so quick to try to attack me that night was because he really didn't want me in his family. He had to of sided with Rosalie on my joining their family. They just put up with me until the asshole was no longer interested in me. And Alice... I honestly thought she was best friend and already thought of her a sister. But she loved Jasper, and she obviously sided with him when it

came to me. He didn't like me, so why should she? Even if she wanted to, his little gift would keep her from liking me. All the help against James was just a ruse, to keep me sedated until the asshole got his fill of me. Emmett was too childish to really understand and care, I think. I was fun while I was around, but I knew he wouldn't miss me. Besides, he had Rosalie. Who could care about me when they got to go bed with that every night? I fell into Esme's motherly charm too fast. She loved the asshole more than her children, I think, so of course she tolerated me while he did. I hate myself for thinking of her as a mother. And Carlisle... he was supposed to be so compassionate, but what person, short of a monster, would let his own son lead someone on as much as I had been? There was no compassion at all in his decision to let his first and favorite son do this to me. All this rushed through my mind as Jake held me. I just continued to sob and cry; I was almost inconsolable at this point. I knew it would be a bad night; I had written two songs in two days about the asshole. I knew it was a mistake, but I did it anyway. Now I am suffering for it, big time. I know he is trying to help, but Jake being here is only hurting me more. I hate hurting him like this; and I hate it even more knowing that the biggest reason it hurts because my pain is keeping me from being with him. I doubt I can ever date again because of this, and he knows I feel this way. It really had been awhile since I had a breakdown, but I knew that this was rapidly turning into one. I knew that Jake's presence was only making it worse, but at this point, I needed someone to be here with me. After several minutes of my uncontrollable sobbing and shaking, Jake spoke. "Bells, honey, I'm sorry... I don't know how to help you. Please calm down, I don't know what to do!" He was getting a little frantic, which only set me off more. I had my arms wrapped around my chest, and began to unknowingly dig my nails into my skin. I didn't even feel the pain as I tore through my skin and the blood started to trickle down my arms. I didn't know until I felt another strong set of hands grab mine, pulling them away from me. It was Sam. "Bella! Stop it!" He gave me a slight shake; he was trying to snap me out of my fit. I looked at him with wild, pained eyes. I saw fear in his eyes, and I tried to look away. I looked at my hands in his, seeing the strong grip he appeared to have on my hands. My blood covered hands. I had gotten more use to blood since I started cutting myself, but I as usually able to prepare myself for it then. This, however, I was not expecting. Immediately, I felt a wave of nausea rush over me, and I tried to get away from them. Sam, not knowing what was wrong, grasped me tighter, to the point of pain. "Bella! Snap out of it!" Sam said, his volume increasing a little.

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Please review and be harsh because I want to know how to improve!


	2. Chapter 2

**Last Chapter**

I didn't even feel the pain as I tore through my skin and the blood started to trickle down my arms. I didn't know until I felt another strong set of hands grab mine, pulling them away from me. It was Sam. "Bella! Stop it!" He gave me a slight shake; he was trying to snap me out of my fit. I looked at him with wild, pained eyes. I saw fear in his eyes, and I tried to look away. I looked at my hands in his, seeing the strong grip he appeared to have on my hands. My blood covered hands. I had gotten more use to blood since I started cutting myself, but I as usually able to prepare myself for it then. This, however, I was not expecting. Immediately, I felt a wave of nausea rush over me, and I tried to get away from them. Sam, not knowing what was wrong, grasped me tighter, to the point of pain. "Bella! Snap out of it!" Sam said, his volume increasing a little.

**Chapter 2**

I couldn't drag my eyes away from the blood on my hands, and I tried once more to pull away from them. Jake's grip on me tightened, and I began to dry heave. Realization hit both of them, and Sam dropped my hands and ran to get the trashcan that was in the corner. Jake turned me so my back was to him, holding me with one hand and beginning to move my hair with the other. I wrapped my hands around my torso as I threw up. Jacob kept me on his lap, and Sam, unfortunately, didn't make it back with the trashcan in time. I threw up on mine and Jake's legs and feet. Sam side stepped the mess and sat next us on the bed. My stomach stilled churned, and the smell of my vomit only upset it more. Remembering the look on my face, Sam held the trashcan in front of me as I threw up again. When I finally felt better, I slumped back against Jake's firm chest. Ashamed of myself, I started crying again. I couldn't control the shaking, no matter how tight Jake gripped me with his arms. I kept trying to fight off the tears, but constant waves of pain kept crashing over me. I almost began to wonder if Jasper was around, intentionally inflicting this pain on me. I suffered for that thought, however, as I doubled over from the intense pain that hit me as the hole my chest ripped itself further open. How much I loved that entire family; how desperately I wanted to spend forever with them; how all I wanted was to be changed, to be their equal. None of them really cared for me. None of them wanted me. Most of all, he didn't want me. I was willing to give him everything, give up everything for him, and he didn't want me. I didn't understand how Jake could want me; how could he stand so me like this and still want me? He couldn't, that's how. He was just humoring me, trying to pretend like I was worth it but I knew I wasn't. If I was, the asshole never would have left me. I am not sure how long I continued to cry, nor did I even realize when Sam had left, but suddenly Emily was also in my room. "Jake, stand her up for a minute. We need to get those clothes off her, and off you. The smell is not going to help her calm down. Sam, get some towels and clean up the floor." I tried to look at her, to see her face- I thought I heard pity behind the assertive edge in her voice, but I couldn't even get my eyes to open. All I could do was keep shaking and crying. I was in a full blown mental breakdown, and I couldn't stop it. I felt myself being pulled up, as Jake listened to what Emily had said. He supported my weight as Emily pulled my pajama pants off me. I tried to protest, but couldn't make my mouth form any words. I knew I dressed more scantily these days, but that still didn't mean I was comfortable being naked in front of Jake and Sam. Yes, naked. I didn't have any underwear on underneath my pants. Unfortunately, Emily did not know that until it was too late. "Jake, don't you dare look down. You find a spot on the wall, not near the mirror, and you stare at it. Sam, I know you only have eyes for me, but you better keep your eyes averted. Find her another pair of pajamas." Emily said this as she stood directly on front of my half naked body. I felt a new pair of pants being pulled on me, and then I felt my shirt being changed.

Jacob sat back down on the bed, pulling me into his lap again. I tried to get off of him, but I couldn't. My muscles wouldn't work, and all I could do was slouch against him. After several more minutes, I felt my mind begin to close down. I knew that was a bad thing, but I couldn't stop it. Finally, the shaking starting to subside and my sobs eased to a whimper. I just laid there in Jacob's lap, staring straight ahead. Things were much quieter now, which was good. I heard Charlie getting ready, and finally I heard his cruiser pull out of the drive. I knew Emily was still talking to me, trying to soothe me and calm me, but I didn't know what exactly she was saying. This night was turning out to be much worse than I thought it would be. I couldn't fall back asleep- I was too scared of what I might dream of. My mind finally fully closed itself off, allowing me to temporarily forget about the family that I lost. I no longer cried, or shook; I just sat there. Even after Jake laid me down in my bed, I didn't do anything. I know it mirrored the catatonic state I had been in immediately after they left, but it was what I needed. This is why I so desperately needed to move away from here. "Bells, please, why wont you respond to me?" Jake asked, worry plaguing his voice. "Jake, she's calm. She might not be responding right now, but she is calm. Let her stay hidden in her mind for awhile, she needs it. I know you want her to get better, but I honestly think she has not healed at all. She is pretending like everything is alright, but when you guys are off patrolling, she lets her guard down. I think she tends to forget that I am around, and she just stares off. Sometimes there is anger in her eyes, but there is usually sadness." It was Emily, trying to comfort Jake. She truly was an amazing woman. "But... I thought she hated them," Jacob asked. There was so much I hid from him... "She does, Jake. She hates them for hurting her. She hates them for using her. She hates them for making her think that they loved her and cared for her. Jake, she wanted to be turned, she wanted to be one of them. She lost that. I know it doesn't make sense to any of us, but she is not going to just get past that and accept it." Wow, Sam knew me better than I thought. "If those bloodsuckers ever set foot near here again, they will regret it. Treaty or no treaty-" Jake started, but Sam cut him off. "No. We are going to keep our end of the treaty, and we will not harm them unless they start it." "They already started it, Sam. They hurt her. She would have been better off dead than join them, and look at her now. She is not living; she may as well be a vampire since she is the walking dead right now anyhow." The resentment was very apparent in Jake's voice. I stopped breathing as I heard what he said about me.

How could he? How could he want me dead? Why did nobody want me around? I fought hard against my mind, willing it to keep itself closed off. I could not, should not, deal with this right now. In my fight to keep my mind closed, I forgot to start breathing again. Emily and Sam, in shock from Jake's words, also did not notice until my body went noticeably more limp than it had been as I passed out. "Bella, wake up. Bella!" Jake was shaking me, but it was Emily who was talking to me. Slowly, I began to regain consciousness and I opened my groggy eyes. Much to my dismay, my mind was open again and as I looked up at Jacob's face. I saw the hurt, but also the anger that was starting to show through. "How?" was all I could manage to say. "How what, sweetie?" Emily asked, but she gave Jacob a noticeable glare as she said it. "How could you say that?" I whispered. I kept my eyes on the wall, afraid to look at any of them. "I... I... I'm sorry." Jacob said. I assumed that his lack of an explanation was a sign that it truly was how he felt. The anger that had hid behind the pain reared back up. I sat up, and looked at Jacob with the more venomous look I could muster. "If you want me dead why are you fighting so hard to keep me alive? Don't you think that I want to die? Do you really think I want to deal with this pain, day in and day out? Don't you think that I am aware of the state that I am in, and that I made a huge mistake when I fell in love with Edward Cullen?" My voice trembled as I spoke, and I got louder with each question. I began to shake again, and I was fighting back the tears. Jake and Sam just stared at me, but Emily pushed Jacob off the bed and sat next to me.

She started to rub my back, but I ignored her. "Get out, Jacob Black. Get of my room, out of my house. Get out of my life. You want me dead? Fine. Pretend I don't exist, you wont be the first to do that." With that, I got up and walked out of my room and to the bathroom. I locked the door and sat down on the floor, willing myself to keep quiet. I pulled my knees to my chest and rest my forehead on them. I covered my ears with my arms, attempting to block out any noise that they might make in my room. What was wrong with me? Why did no one want me? Even Jacob, who I thought was in love me, would rather I be dead than how I am now. I know this isn't living, but I am doing the best I can. I wasn't exactly given any warning about what was going to happen. I had prepared myself to leave this life behind to be with them; I was not prepared for them to leave me behind. I finally got up and turned on the stereo I had put in there. I turned on the CD Sam had recorded for me of some of our earlier songs. I turned to the fourth song I wrote. It was after I fully realized how much power I had given the asshole over me. I was addicted to him right from the start, and I still couldn't get past that addiction. I am a different person now because of them. I am no longer me, and I don't think I will ever be me. Addicted (Originally by Kelly Clarkson)

It's like you're a drug

It's like you're a demon I can't face down It's like I am stuck

It's like I am running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power

It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech

Sucking the life from me

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't breathe

Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power

And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you I'm addicted to you It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost

It's like I'm giving up slowly

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me

Leave me alone

And I know these voices in my head

Are mine alone

And I know I'll never change my ways

If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you

I need a fix I can't take it

Just one more hit I promise

I can deal with it I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more time

Then that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

I'm hooked on you I need a fix I can't take it

Then I turned on the water in the bathtub, making sure it was very hot. I took off my clothes and opened the cabinet under the sink and dug through a plastic drawer until I found the razor blade I kept hidden. Not caring if I got an infection, I didn't bother to clean the blade before I put it to my wrist and began to cut. You want me dead, Jacob Black, then fine. I will make your wish come true and be dead. It is certainly better than this "half life" I seem to be living. I made four criss-crossing, rather deep cuts into my wrist, extending down my forearm. The blood started rather quickly, but I ignored it as I switched arms. I made identical cuts on my other arm, and then climbed into the boiling water. The searing pain of the water, especially as it hit my fresh cuts, took my mind off everything else. I needed a fix, and this was it.

The asshole had made me promise I wouldn't do anything rash, but he broke his promise. So now I was breaking mine with a vengeance. He didn't love me or want me and Jacob wanted me dead; what reason did I have to stay alive? I knew how much I was hurting Charlie by pretending to be fine when I was dying on the inside. He would grieve, but then he would get over it. The water eventually started to turn uniformly red as I continued to bleed. I knew I should care, and part of me thought I should try to stop the bleeding, but I decided I was more comfortable just floating in the hot water. I started to feel weak, and closed my eyes with a huge smile on my face as I realized that if I let myself go to sleep, I might not wake up. That thought comforted me as the song automatically repeated. I could feel the life draining out of me as I slipped into unconsciousness, but I didn't care. No one wanted me. No one loved me. No one would ever want or love me. I vaguely thought of the indecency Charlie would have to face when he comes home to find me dead in the bathtub, completely naked. That thought was rapidly replaced by the sadness of knowing I was dying a virgin, unloved and untouched. But that was why I wanted to die. My reminiscing was interrupted, however, by an obnoxious banging on the door.

Can't a girl die in peace? Honestly... "Isabella Swan, you open this door right now or I promise you that I will break it down!" Someone yelled, though I could not quite place who it was. It wasn't Charlie, I knew that much. It sounded like someone who actually cared about me; it must be my imagination. I had just established that no one cared for me. These thoughts didn't last long, however, as another wave of darkness tried to overtake me. "Bella, open up the goddamn door!" The person yelled again. I snapped back from the blackness, still utterly confused. Who was that, and why did it sound so familiar? "Move out of the way, Em." I heard the same person say, only quiter. Em? Oh, right Emily- that must mean Sam is about to... Right as I made the connection, and started to care about the fact that I was naked, again, the handle was ripped off the door as Sam barged into the bathroom. He took one look at me, and his face was overcome with horror. I tried to focus my eyes on him, but everything was rather hazy. I just shrugged and slid further down into the water, even though I knew it wouldn't really hide me from him. A small part of me felt remorseful for putting him and Emily through this, but they didn't have to be here. The people who "loved" me weren't here, so why would they be? They were devoted to each other; devoted in a way I would never experience. It really was not fair; he had mauled and disfigured her, but she still adored him. Now, I was disfigured and I knew no one would love or adore me. Then again, I did do it to myself, but still. I was yet again pulled out of reverie as Sam grabbed hold of me and yanked me out of the tub. Emily grabbed a towel and wrapped me in it as Sam started to fumble through the cabinets. He found some tape and gauze, a commonly used item for me, and began to tightly wrap my arms. "OUCH!" I screamed as he pulled the gauze way too tight. "Bella, shut up. You don't get a say in this right now." I stared at him, shocked. It was my life, my arms, my pain. I was the only one that got a say. "And who does? That mutt who just told me he would rather see me dead?" I retorted, the anger welling up in me again. I knew my eyes were filled with hate and anger, and I saw the sadness in Emily's face as I looked at her fiancée with such loathing. "Bella..." Emily started, but I didn't want to hear it. I was too angry, and I had to get it out. "What? You want me to stop yelling at your precious dog? The mongrel who mauled you and disfigured you? You want to tell me that Jacob didn't mean it and that he is just hurt, but he really loves me? Well guess what, I don't love him and I don't want to love him. If he loved me, he wouldn't have told me he wanted me dead! Why are you here, anyhow? I thought you were finishing plans for your fucking wedding!" The anger overflowed and tears ran down my face. I started shaking again, and pulled away from Sam as he finished wrapping my other arm.

I tried to stand, but immediately fell back down, pulling the towel off me. I knew I should care, but I didn't. I didn't look at either of them as I pulled myself up, kicked the towel at him and stormed out of the bathroom. I slammed the door of my room and rummaged for some clothes. I threw on whatever I could find, not caring if it matched or not. I grabbed my emergency cash, pushed past Sam and Emily and headed downstairs, grabbing my keys as I stormed out the door. I got in my truck, turned it on and backed out of the driveway. I took off down the street as fast as my truck would allow, seeing Sam and Emily run out in the street as I turned the corner and headed to Seattle. I knew I looked a mess, and my skin was still red when I got to Seattle from the blood and the heat of the water, but I didn't care. The blood was starting to slightly bleed through the gauze, but I just shrugged on my jacket to hide my arms. I got out of my truck in front of the apartment complex Angela and I would be moving into. The community manager recognized me when I walked into the office and scurried over. "Mrs. Swan, what a pleasure it is to see you. What can I do for you this fine afternoon?" He asked with fake excitement, but I could tell he was eying me speculatively, trying to figure out why I was so disheveled. "I was wondering if I could move in sooner. Like, today or tomorrow sooner. I have the cash to pay for it, for the full apartment. Angela wont be moving in until the original date, but I really need to be able to move in sooner." I tried to muster up the saddest, most needy look I could manage. He thought about it for a minute, but then gave me a half smile. "Well, I guess it will be alright if you move in tomorrow. They are finishing the painting today, so it will smell... and we won't be able to replace the carpet for you, but otherwise it is ready." "That's fine. I prefer worn in carpet instead of new; the new carpet has all that fuzz that constantly comes off." I gave him a smile, and he returned it. "Come sit, then, and I will redo your lease term." He redid the first page of the lease and I signed it, then paid him the full month's rent in cash right there. I told him I would be back early the next day when they opened to get the keys. I thanked him and headed to my truck. I had no idea where to go from here; I just knew I couldn't go back to Forks. At least, not yet. I drove around for awhile, finally pulling into a mostly empty parking lot. I shrugged out of my jacket, and stared at my arms. Red splotches were starting to become rather abundant on the gauze; I was obviously still bleeding rather heavily. Sam had put a pretty thick layer of gauze on top. I knew I should go to the emergency room, but I was worried they would somehow be able to tell Charlie. I sat there for almost another hour, debating what to do. The desperate desire to die had waned slightly, but I was not entirely opposed to the idea.I finally decided that I should call Angela, and tell her I was moving in early. I drove around again until I found a pay phone, then parked my truck. I dialed Angela's number and was relieved that she was the one to answer. "Hello?" She asked. I knew she had no idea what had happened with me. "Hey, Ang, it's Bella." I tried to sound as carefree as I could, but I knew she would see through it. "Oh, hey Bella. Is everything alright?" "Yes... No... Sort of. I just wanted to let you know that I decided to move to Seattle early. I already paid for the month's rent and resigned the front page. I told them you likely wouldn't move in for a few weeks and they were fine with that. I move in tomorrow." "Oh. Well, I guess I can move in early..." she started. I realized she was thinking about the money. "Angela, don't worry about it. I am not going to make you pay for the time that you aren't here. And even if you do move in early, don't worry about it. I will cover this month's rent for both of us. With all that you have to put up with with me, it's the least I can do." I said the last part because I knew she would soon find out I had cut myself, and then Ben would only be more strongly opposed to us living together. "Oh. Well, thanks. My parents are kind of driving me crazy, though, so I am kind of tempted to move in soon. You wouldn't mind if I moved in later this week, would you?" She asked tentatively. "Of course not. I would love it, actually. We can have a girl's night out!" I said, reveling at the thought of going out to clubs and ignoring all my problems. "Sounds great! Thanks for letting me know. You are going to be an amazing roommate, Bella, no matter what you think!" "Thanks, Angela. But I have a favor to ask of you. Do you think you could come into Seattle today? I, umm, I need help..." I trailed off, realization hitting that if I wanted to live, I had to get to the ER. "Of course. What happened? When do you need me there?" "Well, I am kind of already here. And once I hang up, I need to go the ER. Let's just say I am hurt, again." She was silent for a moment, but finally she spoke. "Sure, Bella, I will head out in the next half hour or so. Which hospital?" "The one that is close to the new apartment." "I will see you there." "Thanks. And Angela?""Yeah?" "Please don't bring Ben." I said that quietly, knowing it would upset her. It was my way of letting her know I did something he would not approve of. She was silent again, but finally said alright and hung up. I sighed and got back in my truck. I headed to the hospital that was just a few blocks away from the new apartment. I was beginning to feel really weak as I walked into the emergency room, and began to feel sick again. I was almost to triage when I collapsed, suddenly too weak to keep walking. Two nurses came rushing over to me, one with a wheel chair. They lifted me up and put me in the chair and took me into an exam room. They had immediately noticed the bandages on my arms, now saturated in blood. "Ma'am, what is your name?" One of the nurses asked while he took the bandages off my left arm. "Bella Swan. I, umm, I fell through a window and broke the glass with my arms." I lied. They would know that was not true once they saw the pattern, but I still didn't want to come out and say the truth. "I see." He said, as he finally got the gauze off. He gave me a remorseful look as he saw the cuts. He started undo my opposite arm while the other nurse started to clean the blood of the first arm. "How long ago did this happen?" "I don't know, a few hours ago? I thought it was fine; I am incredibly clumsy and get hurt a lot. I had a jacket on and didn't realize I was bleeding so much. When I noticed the blood staining through I came here, but was weak by the time I got here." Other than knowing exactly when and what happened, it was true. They, however, clearly did not believe me once they got my other arm free. They gave each other a skeptical, but knowing look, as they worked on cleaning my arm and the cuts. "We are going to have to stitch these up. It is going to hurt." I shrugged. I didn't care about pain anymore. I sat completely still, almost numb, as they each sowed up an arm. They gave me an injection to ward off infection, as well as a tetanus shot and said they would be back in 15 minutes to make sure I did not have a reaction to either shot. I laid back on the bed and curled myself into a ball. I fought back the tears, and just stared ahead instead. Eventually, however, the tears broke through and I was crying when one of the nurses came back. "Bella, why are you crying?" He asked.

He sounded like he was genuinely concerned, but I knew he wasn't. It was his job to pretend to care. Just like Carlisle... That thought brought on more tears and I curled myself tighter. I was trying to find my breath to answer him, but was relieved when Angela walked in. "Oh Bella, are you alright?" She asked as she rushed to my side. She saw me crying and rubbed a hand on my back. All I could do was nod, but she knew it was a lie. The nurse had given Angela a questioning look but she ignored it at first. After she realized I was not going to talk soon, she turned to him. "She fell, as usual. It really upsets her when she is in here..." she trailed off, clearly trying to come up with a good reason why I was crying. The nurse's silence told me he did not believe her. "We want to admit your friend to the mental health-" he began, but I cut him off. "No. Absolutely not. I came to get my arms taken care of, and they are. Thank you for that, but I do not need to be committed. Now please tell me if I am having a reaction to the drugs or if I can leave." I said this as firmly as I could, but it was between cryinginduced hiccups. He didn't say anything, so I got up. "You cannot make me stay. I came here of my own accord." I said as I walked past him. He was about to protest but I just kept walking. I got numerous sad looks from the various staff members, but I ignored them. I went and paid for the visit and checked out, not saying a word to anyone besides what was absolutely necessary. When we got into the parking lot, I turned to talk to Angela. "Thanks for coming. That took less time than I expected..." I began. She just shrugged. "I know you are hurting, Bella. If Ben ever left me like that..." she trailed off. I knew she loved him, and I knew she somewhat understood how I felt. I nodded. "I am going to tell Ben what you told them- that you fell through some glass. I love him, but he also needs to accept that you will be my roommate. I will do whatever I can to help you Bella." I could tell she was hiding something as she said this. I gave her a questioning look. "Sam called me. He asked if I knew where you would go. I told him I figured you would go to the meadow in the woods but I didn't know where it was. Seattle never crossed my mind. I didn't tell him though, after you called me. He was so worried, though, Bella. What happened?" I walked to my truck and climbed in, waiting for her to follow suit. Eventually, she did. I recounted the story for her, from being woken by Jacob to my break down to what he said to my spiraling out of control. I hadn't noticed it, but she had her arms wrapped around me in a hug. "Oh Bella, I am so sorry he said that! I know he didn't mean it, but still. That is horrible to say!"

"Yeah, well, I deserved it. I said even more horrible things to Emily... and all she wanted to do was help..." I could feel the tears trying to creep back up as I thought of how I had thrown Sam into her face. She hugged me tighter. We sat like that for a long time before I finally stirred. "Thank you, again, for coming." I gave her a half smile. "Of course. Now, what do you say we go grab a bite to eat and then head home? I think we have some packing to do tonight." I nodded and told her I would follow her to wherever she wanted to eat. She made it quick with fast food and then we headed home. It was dusk when I got home, and I could see my bedroom light on. That meant someone was there. Charlie's cruiser was still gone, which was good. I sighed as I pulled my truck into the driveway and headed inside. I slowly went up the stairs, stopping in the bathroom first. The tub had been drained and cleaned; there were no signs of blood anywhere. The razor was gone; I assumed they had taken it for good. No worries, though, I could easily get more. There was a stack of clean towels by the sink, which included the ones from when I had thrown up earlier. I slowly walked to my room and opened the door, slightly relieved to find only Emily there, sitting in the rocking chair. She gave me a fleeting smile as I walked in and plopped down on the bed. I didn't say a word; I just laid there. After several minutes, she finally got up and sat down next to me. I was fighting with myself to try to apologize. I didn't know what could make up for those horrible words I had said. I know I didn't mean them, but they still had to have hurt her deeply. But then again, she was still here, wasn't she? "Emily..." I started, but I had no idea what to say. "It's alright, Bella. I know you didn't mean what you said. You were just angry." There seemed to be an undertone of something else there, but I wasn't sure what. I just nodded, trying to figure out what else I heard in her voice. Finally, realization hit me. She was trying to let me know that Jacob was sorry, too. He was angry when he said what he had said. He was frustrated and hurt that I was hurt. I just shook my head, not sure what to say. "Bella, listen to me. I know you didn't mean it, and I forgive you. Jacob feels horrible, though. He wants to talk to you but he's scared. He thinks you hate him..." she trailed off. "I thought he hated me..." was all I could say. I was being torn apart by how much I was hurting everyone else. My pain was doing such damage to Jake that he would wish I was dead. I was beginning to think everyone would be better off if I was dead, but she pulled me out of those thoughts quickly. "Bella, he does love you. Please, let him come talk to you."

"Wait... why are you the only one here? Where is Sam? And where is Jake?" I asked, slightly suspicious. "I told Sam I would be safe here. I knew you wouldn't hurt me, and I figured it would be better if it was just me when you got home. Sam and Jacob are close by, though. They can be in here very quickly." I thought it over for a while, and decided that I really did need to see Jake. "I want to talk to Jake, but what if Charlie comes home? How will I explain all this?" "Don't worry about him. He called about an hour before you got home, but I told him we had hung out all day and you were exhausted and had fallen asleep. He said that he was going to work a double then. He wont be home till really late." I nodded, and then finally sighed. Emily smiled, and went to the window and opened it up. Within two minutes, Sam and Jacob were plodding in. Sam rushed over and hugged me, but Jacob stood on the other side of the room from me. Noticing the gauze was different, Sam gave me a questioning look. "I went to the ER. It kept bleeding for awhile." I couldn't look him in the eye as I said that. He didn't comment further, much to my relief. "Bella, Jacob wants to talk to you. He will tell you himself, but he really is sorry. Emily and I will be downstairs. If you need anything at all, just call for me and I will be right up." I nodded and watched as they walked out. I continued to sit on the bed, not moving. Finally, Jacob timidly walked over and sat down by me. "Bells, I honestly didn't mean what I said. And knowing that you wanted to die because of me..." he trailed off, staring into space. "It's not your fault. Its theirs. If they hadn't left me, we wouldn't be in this situation. I have wanted to escape the pain for so long, and it just seemed like you gave me that outlet." "I do love you, Bella. I know you don't love me back, and I can accept that. I will still try, but I do accept it. I wish I could be your everything, but I'm not. I know that despite the anger you have towards him, you still love him and he has your heart." Wow, he did understand. I didn't know what to say, so I laid my head on his shoulder instead. "Can you forgive me, Bella?" He asked me, his voice full of sorrow. "Of course, Jake. You are my sunshine, after all."

i picked up my head as his body shook with laughter. "I love you, Bella." I nodded. "I know." We stayed in silence for awhile longer, before he started to make a move to get up. "Jake, will you stay the night?" I asked him. I was afraid to be alone again. He gave me a curious look. "Are you sure you want that?" I nodded. "And you want it to be me?" I nodded again. A small smile played on his lips; I knew I was leading him on but I really did need someone. "I am afraid to be alone tonight, Jake." He nodded. "I know, Bells. Let me go talk to Sam and then I will be right back." He was out the door in three steps. I heard murmurs coming from downstairs as I got into my pajamas and crawled back into bed. When Jake came back, he started to walk towards the rocking chair. "No, Jake, please, stay in the bed with me. I need to feel you close to me." He pondered that for a moment then nodded. He took off his shoes and his shirt and slipped off his pants so he was only in his boxers. He crawled into the bed behind me and curled up to me, keeping me warm. It did make me miss the cold, stony embrace of... No, I thought. I wont think about that. "I will stay as long as you need, Bella. I just want you to get better." I nodded, knowing he would feel it. A heavy tune kept rolling through my head as I waited for the exhaustion to take over. I willed myself to remember it so I could use it for a song. I fell asleep in Jake's arms, only bothered a few times by nightmares. I woke up breathing a little heavy, but nothing too horrible that it disturbed Jake. He was still curled up next to me when I awoke the next morning. I got out of bed and sat at the desk, writing down the lyrics that had come to me during the night. Jake came up behind me as I was finishing the song. He read it over my shoulder, and gave me a sad look. "Bells, when are you going to start writing happy songs?" he chided, but I knew he was being serious.

I shrugged. "Honestly, probably not for a long time. Sometimes I think the anger I have towards them will never subside. I also doubt that the love I have for them will subside either. The combination is eating me away." He kissed the top of my head and sat back down on the bed while I finished the song. "I am moving into the new apartment today. I need to get out of Forks, immediately." I told him after I finished. He nodded. "What about band practice?" "I figured I could pack some stuff and head out to Seattle and get some stuff moved in, then come back for practice." He nodded as he got up and went to my closet. He grabbed some bags and started putting things in it for me. I smiled at him, appreciative of his help. While he packed, I headed downstairs to break the news to Charlie. "Umm, dad, can I talk to you?" I knew he could tell how nervous I was. "Sure, Bells. What is it?" "It's just that, well, you see... I know I was supposed to move to Seattle in a few weeks, but Angela and I decided we would rather just go ahead and move in soon. I am getting the keys today... " I trailed off at the end. He stared at me silently for a few moments, before nodding. I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged him instead. "Thank you for everything. I just really need to get out of here." He nodded again. "I know it's been hard on you Bells. Do you want want help?" "No. Jake is going to be over soon to help me." "Alright then. Let me know if you need anything." He went back to watching TV and I headed upstairs. Jacob left out the window and then rang the doorbell, so as not to concern Charlie. After talking for a few minutes with Charlie, he finally made it back up to my room. We had several things loaded into my truck in no time at all, and together we headed out to Seattle. I got my keys and headed into my apartment. It was already furnished, complete with a television. Sure, it was a little old but it worked none the less. Jacob helped me unload and put some things away before we headed back for practice. At band practice, I handed out the music and lyrics to everyone at practice that day, and we started with my most recent song. I was hateful again today. Over (Originally by Evans Blue).

The band played my songs willingly, but I knew it made them sad to know why I wrote them. They were good about humoring me with it though. They knew I needed to do it. After practice, Sam, Jacob and I hung around talking for awhile. Finally, as it was getting dark, we said goodnight to Sam, leaving just me and Jake. "Bells, do you want me to stay in Seattle with you?" Jake asked me, unsure about what exactly last night had meant. I sighed. "Yes, Jake, I do. Not as my boyfriend, but as my best friend." I tried to make sure he knew the distinction. He nodded. "I wont do anything unless you want to Bella. If you want me just as a best friend, then that is what I am." he beamed at me, glad that I was over what he said yesterday.


	3. Chapter 3

**Last Chapter**

After practice, Sam, Jacob and I hung around talking for awhile. Finally, as it was getting dark, we said goodnight to Sam, leaving just me and Jake. "Bells, do you want me to stay in Seattle with you?" Jake asked me, unsure about what exactly last night had meant. I sighed. "Yes, Jake, I do. Not as my boyfriend, but as my best friend." I tried to make sure he knew the distinction. He nodded. "I wont do anything unless you want to Bella. If you want me just as a best friend, then that is what I am." he beamed at me, glad that I was over what he said yesterday.

**Chapter 3**

We headed to my truck as I gave him the keys. I really was tired, and didn't feel like driving all the way to Seattle. I slept most of the way, only slightly stirring when he picked me up to carry me inside. He took off my shoes and my jacket and laid me on the bed. He stripped down to his boxers again and climbed in behind me. He snuggled up against me, his warmth instantly putting me at ease. I fell asleep rather quickly, content to be with my best friend. Unfortunately, the nightmares did not stay away. I woke up, sweating and shaking, in Jake's strong grasp. He was awake, of course, but did not try to wake me this time. I think he thought it better for me to pull myself out of the dream. It didn't matter what happened, though; either way I would be miserable. I clung to him, trying to push the images of the asshole and my dream out of my mind. After a few minutes, I calmed down and eased my grip on Jake. I turned myself so I could lay my head against his chest. I caught a glimpse of his eyes, and I saw yearning there. Desire. For me. For my body. He truly did love me and want me, and that thought terrified me. But then I thought back to yesterday, when I wanted to die. My biggest regret was that I would be an innocent, young lamb. I decided I wanted to fix that. I sat up and looked Jacob firmly in the face. "I have a proposition for you, but you have to be objective about it and not let your feelings for me get in the way of your decision." He nodded, so I continued. "Yesterday, when I was, well you know, all I could think about was how I was going to die a virgin and how I didn't want that. I do care about you, not in the way you want me to, but I do. You are my best friend. And I must admit, I do find you attractive. So, I'm wondering, if you would like to, umm, make me less innocent." My voice got noticeably softer at the end. Jake pondered it for a few minutes, before finally looking at me again. "Bella, are you sure? I am afraid you will get hurt if we do this..." I could tell he wanted to, but was reassured for his reasons when he asked if I was sure. I nodded. He smiled a little, and leaned in to kiss my neck. I shivered and pulled back; it was how the asshole would kiss me. "Jake, I don't think I am ready for kissing... I know it sounds odd, but it's true. This honestly is a 'booty call' type thing." He smiled and nodded, then pulled my shirt over my head.

He got up and laid me flat on my back, pulling off my pajama pants and the underwear I actually wore to bed tonight. He then pulled of his boxers, and I could see that he was very much ready for this. I stifled a laugh. He laid himself on top of me, staring into my eyes. He wanted to make sure I was positive about this. I smiled at him and gave a slight nod, but winced as he entered me. I adjusted rather quickly, however, and was amused to realize that it did not take either of us very long to reach our peaks. Once our bodies stopped trembling, he collapsed next to me. I snuggled into his chest, saddened by my actions, but also knowing that I needed to do that. I could not, would not, die a virgin. I wanted my first time to be special, and now, to some extent, it was. Part of my plan for healing while in Seattle was to fill the void the asshole had left. To me, that meant drinking myself into oblivion and finding random guys to make me feel loved. If Jacob wanted to keep this up, that was fine. If not, I knew I could find guys when I went out to the clubs. I already had my fake ID ready so I could drink. The thoughts of my self-imposed healing process slightly comforted me as I fell asleep in Jake's arms. The pain was easier to deal with if I was angry, and that was the reason for my plan. I hated them, and only rarely did I let the love and weakness show through. If only the asshole bloodsuckers could see me now... Surprisingly, I didn't wake up screaming. I actually had slept rather soundly for the first night since the asshole left me. Maybe it was because Jacob was still asleep next to me, or maybe it was just coincidence. I laid there for a few minutes, recalling the previous night. In my hurt and anger, I had given myself away to Jake. God only knows what effect it will have on him- I know he wanted it for different reasons than me. I knew I had to move on, though. Sure, it likely wouldn't be the healthiest way of moving on, but at least it was something. I was going to fill the void left in me; I was going to seal up that damn hole in my chest. My first time did mean something; I slept with my best friend. The damn leech will love that thought if he ever shows his face again; his human ex slept with a werewolf. The thought brought a smile to my face. I had been weakened, and I had shown that weakness. I hurt my friends as a result, and that only made me hate the leeches more. Angela was going to move in today, and tonight, I would insist that we go out to celebrate. I didn't care what Ben thought about me; I knew Angela was sure about living with me, even with knowing how unpredictable I am right now. She still had time to back out and would see what I am really like tonight. Until now, I kept myself in check because of Charlie. If I had moved away as soon as I was abandoned, all this would have started much earlier. In fact, I think I would have fared better had I left immediately. I had no outlet for my pain and anger; it is bottled up in me and when it does come out, I know it will be worse than anything that has happened yet. The problem, though, was that I couldn't bring myself to leave. Even now, it was hard. But I had to get away from there; away from the immediate memories. Returning to Forks High School after he left was torture; I felt like I was in hell every day. I went to prom with Jake, and I pretended like everything was fine, but all I really wanted to do was run out of the room crying. It should have been the asshole with me. I should have looked amazing because the other leeches should have dressed me and done my hair and make up. But no- I was left to my own devices. My devices suck.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to fight back the tears that were starting to form. I was sufficiently angry now, and my tear ducts knew it. I needed a distraction, and I knew that it was lying on his back right next to me. Trying as best as I could to be seductive, I carefully positioned myself right on top of him then leaned forward and started to kiss his neck. I felt his reaction before he was fully awake; I had to reposition myself because of his erection. A smile played at the edges of my lips. When he finally opened his eyes, Jake seemed a little shocked to be seeing me on top of him. I could tell he was fighting back a smile as he gave me a questioning look. I knew that if I tried to answer him, I would regret it. Instead, I slid my hand down his chest and abdomen, and started playing my fingers across his erection. Immediately, he reached his hands up and started caressing my skin. I teased him enough that he finally pulled me to him and flipped us, hovering himself over me. This is what I wanted; an outlet for the anger. Part of me felt bad for using Jake like this, but he clearly didn't mind. I knew my eyes were filled with anger and hurt, and he paused when he stared into them. Finally, he understood. He nodded, letting me know he understood my reasons. Any sadness he had about it vanished as soon as he entered me. Jake went at me much harder today than he had last night; I didn't object- it was what I wanted. He finally collapsed on top of me, and then rolled himself off me. I laid there for a few more minutes before I finally got up. Jake had fallen back asleep already, so I went to take a shower. I made myself some breakfast once I was done there, and was washing the dishes when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door to find Sam, Emily, Embry and Quil there. Great, I thought. I wasn't planning on having to deal with them for a few days. Not that it mattered, I guess. They all would know what happened next time Jake phased. "Hey guys, come on in." They knew Jake was here- he had helped me move yesterday and never came back home. When they got to the living room and didn't see him on the couch, Sam gave me a quizzical look. I shrugged, "He's in my bed." Sam nodded, and I looked away. I gave a half smile, but kept my eyes averted from all of them. "He's still asleep. Feel free to go wake him up, though. I need to finish cleaning the kitchen." I turned to walk away then, but quickly realized that Emily was following me. I assumed the guys went to talk to Jake. I tried to pretend like everything was fine, but finally had to look at her when I was done with my dishes. She was sitting at the table with a sorrowful but knowing look on her face. I stared at her for a minute, and she smiled and gave me a slight nod. She knew, and understood.

"I needed it, Emily. I know I can't wait around forever, or keep putting my life on hold for that filthy bloodsucker. I know I don't want Jake in that way, but honestly, I don't think I will ever want any one in that way, ever again. I am broken, and ruined. I am only human, though, and I can't deny the hormones forever. I would rather my first time at least be a little special, than with some random guy..." I trailed off, suddenly ashamed of my choice. "Bella, I understand. Of course the whole pack will know, but they will also know why you guys did it. And besides, if any of them think anything bad about you, Jake and Sam will make them regret it." I could hear the admiration in her voice as she talked of Sam. It made me a little sick, but I hid it. I smiled at her instead. We sat in a comfortable silence for a few more minutes before we heard the guys coming. "Hey, Bells, Jake can't find his shirt. Can you go help him?" Embry told me, a smile in his voice. I rolled my eyes and brushed past the three of them and headed to my room. Of course when I got there, Jake was fully clothed. I was glad they gave us some time alone, though, before we had to see everyone. I sat down on the bed, and he scooted over and wrapped one arm around me. "I know you aren't my girlfriend because of this, Bells. Of course I wanted it, for a long time, but I know you wanted it and needed it for different reasons. I am fine with that. Whenever you want to repeat last night, just let me know." He had a huge grin on his face. I was glad that I could make him happy. At least I had finally done something right. "Jake..." I started. I wanted to ask if he would be alright if I slept with other people, even though we weren't a couple. I had no idea how to say it though. He looked at me, tightening his arm around me. "OK, hypothetical situation, but say I go out to a club and meet some guy, maybe have a few drinks, and I bring him home and more or less repeat last night with him. How will you react to that?" I couldn't look at him as I said this, or as he answered. "Bells, you are not my girlfriend, and I know that. I am honestly glad that my first time was with you. But I might have to think about sleeping with you if you are sleeping around, to be honest. But, then again, I know that despite what you say, it will mean something more with me, and that will probably draw me in. Besides that, you are sexy and damn good." He said the last part with a laugh, which of course made me laugh. "You are too good to me, Jake. But thank you. Thank you for understanding, for last night; for everything you have done for me. You are my best friend, and I love you so much for it." I hugged him tightly, then got up to head back to the others. I couldn't help but notice the winks that the guys kept exchanging, but I ignored it. We were all sitting at the table talking when I heard another knock on the door. I assumed this time it was Angela; it seemed to be around the time she said she would come. I opened the door to find her, Ben, and her family holding boxes.

I gave her a smile and moved out of the way to let them through. The boys immediately went outside to start unloading her things. Her parents gave me a sideways glanced as they realized that it was 10 am and I already had an apartment full of people, most of whom were boys. Emily came out of the kitchen at this time, however, and Angela's mother openly stared at her. Emily blushed, but kept walking. She came and sat by me on the couch and I squeezed her hand. I gave Angela's mother a pointed glare, but she was too caught up by the scars on Emily. Unfortunately, she was wearing a tank top today, also showing off her mauled arm. Sam came back in, and saw his fiancée being stared at. He cleared his throat very loudly and went over and sat down next to Emily. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap, staring at Angela's mother the whole time. I saw her mom blush and look away as she scurried out the room to get more boxes. "I am so sorry, my love. I will never forgive myself for what I have done to you." Sam whispered in her ear as he held her close to him. "I know, Sam. I know. I do forgive you though, and I love you." She turned her head and kissed him; I looked away, not wanting to intrude on their private moment. Jacob came back in and started laughing at my turned face and Sam and Emily kissing. "Honestly, Sam, do you think you could not make Bella so dang uncomfortable? You are sitting right next to her... a few more minutes and she might be caught up in something worse than last night!" he joked, which made Sam, Emily and myself start laughing. It didn't take long to unload all of Angela's things with the guys helping. Her parents thanked them for their help, and her mother whispered an apology to Sam for earlier. He nodded, but I could tell he was upset that she wouldn't even say it to Emily. They hugged Angela and then headed back home. "So, how was your first night here Bella?" Angela asked, clearly curious about why everyone was already here. I shrugged. "Not too bad." Quil, however, couldn't contain himself and started cracking up, making Embry follow suit. "Way to go, Jake! You aren't too bad!" Quil said through his laughs. They were in hysterics now, and Jake soon joined them. I, however, was turning a very brilliant shade of red very quickly. I cleared my throat loudly. "Jake stayed with me last night, and the rest of these guys came over this morning. They were concerned when I didn't bother to return their dear friend to them last night."

"At least he was in good hands!" Quil managed to get out before falling to the floor laughing again.

Sensing my annoyance, Jake hit him on the back of the hand. He managed to calm himself down, finally. Embry was laughing as well, but his laughs didn't seem to come from the gut nearly as much as Quil's. I brushed it off, though, glad he didn't seem to want to rub this in as much. After a few minutes of talking about plans, Ben got up to use the bathroom. Once he was out of the room, Angela gave me a questioning look. I shrugged as I looked from Jake to her. She nodded, letting me know she understood what I had done. When Ben came back, we decided for sure that we would all go out to a club that night. The guys offered to help us unpack, but Emily insisted that they go back to La Push to change and get ready for a night out instead. Sam immediately gave in, and they all headed out. Jake gave me a hug and winked at me as he headed out with his brothers. Angela and I worked on unpacking our things, and making a list of what all we would need to buy. Finally, Ben said he was going to go shower, leaving me and Angela alone to talk. "So, I assume that you still aren't dating Jake?" She asked, once Ben was out of earshot. "No..." The reasoning for my actions made sense to me, but how would I get others to see it how I do? "You are trying to move on, though, aren't you?" I nodded. "Trying, yes. Succeeding, no. I wanted my first time to be special, though, and he is my best friend. I am going to try to fill the void that they left behind. I don't want to have to constantly be reminded of what happened and what I have become. Honestly, Angela, I am going to try to do the altered state of mind and random sex path to healing." She thought it over for a few minutes, then finally nodded. "Whatever you need me to do, I will do it. You don't deserve this, Bella." "Well, I would appreciate it if you would get Ben off my back. Oh, and I have a fake ID so I can drink at the clubs. And trust me, I plan to do that. You might want to give Ben a head's up on that." "OK, I will." We continued to unpack in silence for several minutes, before I realized that everyone would be back in an hour.

"We better get ready to go; they will be here soon." She agreed and we headed to our bedrooms. I took a shower and then styled my hair; I gelled it to give it a messy curly look. I decided to leave the gauze off my cuts for the night, hoping the dimmed lights in the club would keep the marks mostly hidden. I threw the gauze and tape into my purse in case I changed my mind, but doubted I would. It took me awhile to decide what outfit I wanted to wear, but I finally decided on a dark green halter top that showed off a little of my midriff and greatly enhanced my chest, and a black mini skirt. I put on my knee high boots and finally headed into the living room, where everyone was already waiting. Jake and Embry's jaws dropped when they saw me. I saw the lust in Jake's eyes, but I quickly turned away. I knew it might end badly if I slept with him, but oh well. I know he saw the anger and hate in my eyes this morning; I also know that he knew it was not anger towards him. Sam laughed as he pushed their jaws back up, then turned to me. "Bells, you plan to drink tonight?" I guess Jake had told him about my fake ID. I nodded. "Me and Emily too," he said as a smile came onto his face. Once Ben and Angela came out to the living room, we divided into cars and headed out of the apartment. Sam, Jake, Emily and I went in Sam's car while the other four took Ben's car. I gave Sam directions to the restaurant we were going to dinner at; it only took 10 minutes to get there. Sam, Jake and I flanked Emily as we were led to our seats. I knew it was a big deal for her to be out in public like this, and was so grateful for her willingness to help me. We sat down at our table, and I ordered a martini. The waiter seemed to take awhile to look at my ID, but finally smiled and gave it back. Somehow, I think he was using that as an excuse to keep staring at me, as he went from my picture to my face... and chest. Emily ordered a martini as well, but Sam said he was going to wait to start drinking. Everyone else was underage, and didn't have a fake ID. I had the corner on that market. I ended up having 3 drinks during dinner, and was definitely loosening up as we piled back into the cars to go to the club. I kept tracing Jake's muscles on his arms as we sat in the back of Sam's car. He just laughed at me. "Bells, you are getting drunk. I like it." he said it matter-of-factly, but we could all see how glad he really was. Sure, I was in a different state of mind but I was clearly happy right now. That is why everyone agreed to come out with me tonight; they wanted to see me happy. I knew they would do anything to make me happy at this point, even let me get drunk and sleep with me. When we got to the club, I bounced up to the guy at the door, showing my ID and flashing a huge smile. I straightened my shoulders up, accenting my cleavage even more. He laughed as he gave me a wristband so I could get drinks and let me in. Sam and Emily also had wristbands; everyone else had big black X's on the back of each hand. I pranced over to the bar and got a drink for myself, Sam and Emily then headed to

the table where everyone was at. After I was half done with my drink, I noticed a rather attractive looking young man sitting by himself a few tables over. He reminded me of Jasper, and anger flashed in my eyes. "Assholes..." Everyone turned to stare at me; I didn't realize I had said that out loud. Emily followed my gaze and saw who I was looking at, and patted my hand under the table once she realized why I was upset. She was very assertive, and very understanding. She had become one of my closest friends. I continued to glare at him, but immediately looked away when he turned his head and looked right into my eyes. I knew he would have seen the hate there; it reminded me of that first day in biology when the asshole had looked like he wanted me dead. No, he didn't look it- he did want me dead. But I shook my head, trying to push that thought away. I turned back and saw that he was still looking at me, and I gave my best seductive grin. He smiled back, and I took that as my cue to get up. I headed over to him and sat down. I could feel everyone else's eyes on me as I went to this total stranger. This was certainly not the Bella they usually knew; this was a tipsy, freed Bella. This was the Bella I wanted to become now. This is why we were here. "My name is Bella, and what is yours?" I asked, flashing a brilliant smile. "I'm Jackson," he said as he reached his hand out to shake mine. He had a firm grip. "Are you here all by yourself?" He shrugged. "I was supposed to meet someone, but I don't think she is showing up anymore." He had been stood up, but didn't seem too upset about it, or he hid it well. "Well then, I guess you have no excuse to not come dance with me!" I said this as I got up and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the dance floor. That's right, the dance floor. I felt a new sense of confidence once I had made my decision to move on. Sure, I was making it so that if the assholes ever saw me again, they would regret it. They would know my pain, but somehow this also helped me heal. My confidence was through the roof as I began to dance a little too close with this stranger. After a few songs, we went to sit down. I led him over to my friends; well, to Jake and Quil. Embry had found a girl to dance with and Angela, Ben, Sam and Emily were dancing as well. "Jake, Quil, this is Jackson. Jackson, these are my friends." They all shook hands and greeted each other, then we sat down. I ordered another drink as a waitress came by, as did Jackson.

"Sam and Emily want to take shots with you when they get back. Sam really wants to see you drunk, Bells!" Quil informed me; I could see the amusement in his eyes at the thought of me drunk. Jake seemed less excited, though, and I gave him a questioning look. We had talked about this; he better remember that. He looked at Jackson quickly then back at me. His eyes were asking if I planned to take him home. I shrugged, and mouthed 'it's possible' to him. He just nodded and gave me a smile, but I could tell it was forced. After one more song, Sam and Emily came back over, carrying a tray of shot glasses. They got 3 shots for each of us, including Jackson. "Jello shots, my dear Bella!" Sam said; I could tell he had had several drinks once he got here. I laughed. "Off who's stomach?" Everyone stared at me, but Jake quickly jumped up. "If I can't drink, I can at least have you take them off my stomach!" "Yeah, Bella, you liked to be all over his stomach last night!" Quil shouted; I glared at him but started laughing when I heard Jackson laugh. Jake laid on top of the table and raised his eyebrows at me a few times. I rolled my eyes and lifted up his shirt, exposing his muscular stomach. I indulged myself, letting my fingers trace his abs. "You know, Emily, the good thing about these boys is they certainly are built!" I laughed. "Come on, Sam, let Emily take them off your rock hard abs! It really seems only fair!" He laughed but laid on the table next to Jake, letting Emily pull his shirt up. I winked at her, trying to boost her confidence for this. We counted to three, dropped all three shots on their stomachs and licked them up. I could tell how much Jake was enjoying it; a noticeable bulge appeared in his pants. I laughed as I finished taking my jello shots first, and then winked at Jake and pulled his shirt down. Emily, of course, began kissing Sam once she finished hers. Jake got off the table once they started kissing, and gave me a meaningful look. He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Bells, to see you this happy makes all this worth it. If you take this guy home, I am fine with it. Your smile makes me alright with it. Oh, and I put some condoms in your purse while you were dancing, and there are some in your nightstand."

I pulled back and stared at him, thanking him with my eyes as I nodded. "OK, Em, my turn! Bella, get up there so your friend can take his shots!" Jake and Sam helped us onto the table, then Jake bowed out gracefully to let Jackson have some fun with me. I eyed him seductively, daring him to lift my shirt. He raised it some, luckily letting his eyes ignore the scars there were present. He also surprised me when he put one of the shots on my chest. He took the ones of my stomach first, his tongue riling me up in an unexpected way, and I laughed as he licked up the shot that had been on my chest. There was definitely a lot of cleavage in this top, giving him great access to where he wanted to go. He licked his way up, then left a trail of kisses up my neck until he reached my lips. Emily and Sam were kissing again by this point, and I wrapped my arms around Jackson's neck as he began to kiss me. I had refrained from really kissing Jake when we had sex, but I kissed Jackson like I had never been able to kiss the asshole. I felt his tongue being shoved full force into my mouth, and I parted my lips more. Our tongues danced for a little bit, before the movement of Sam and Emily breaking apart made us follow suit. I noticed that Jake was looking away, but he didn't look hurt or angry. I kept a goofy smile on my face, though I am sure that a big part of that has to do with all the alcohol. Jackson helped me off the table and led me back out onto the dance floor. By this point, we were definitely drunk, and our hands were groping each other like crazy. I had completely lost myself in this night, succeeding in trying to forget everything. I realized that he had his hand in my shirt, and I was trying to shove my hand down his pants, when Embry came over and wrapped his arm around my waist. He pulled me off Jackson, his touch tender on me. "Bella, love, I think it's time to get you home." I was about to protest, but Embry just smiled at me, kissed my cheek, and started walking away. I turned back to Jackson, and could see the desire in his eyes. "I am certainly not ready for this night to end; care to come join my friends and I at my apartment?" "Absolutely!" He said, a certain triumph masked in his voice. I grabbed his hand and led him back to the table. "Did you drive here tonight?" I asked. I wasn't thinking about the fact that we were drunk, I was more thinking of the fact that I wanted the option of going to his place if we wanted to. "No, my car is in the shop right now. I had to resort to public transportation," he said as he faked a shudder. I laughed and felt his hand wrap around my waist. It took me by surprise, though, as I was instantly taken back in time to when another tall, handsome man would do the same action. I felt a hand on my shoulder as I suddenly stared blankly ahead, and was reminded of the tall blond who would tried to control my emotions when I thought I was going to lose the love- no, the asshole, the first time.


End file.
